"Time will see us realign
Diamonds rain across the sky
Shower me into the same
- Deftones/Diamond Eyes
It has been too long since putting my thoughts out into the open and updating everyone on my whereabouts and happenings. I should consult this open journal more often. Not much noteworthy material happened for almost a year. For several months I was severely depressed with nothing going my way, the breaks occurring only to break my spirit, and the weight of responsibility pushing me down. I didn't much feel like talking to many people, online or in person, nor hanging with anyone much less updating a dying journal community with depressing entries whose only purpose would serve to elicit pity and compassion.
Finally, a silver lining emerged just a few weeks ago. Two months ago my sister approached me with the idea of buying her car from her. At the time I had little money and my job as a substitute teacher was about to end due to the end of the semester approaching so I declined. My Dad, the one who refuses to talk to me, came to the rescue telling my sister that if she gave me her car he would knock $700 off the price of the car she would be buying from him. So, in a stroke of good luck, I received a 1997 Toyota Corolla for free that smelled like a month old, overflowing ashtray. Nevertheless, it is a car, one that is reliable and gets pretty good gas mileage. Needless to say I was extremely thankful to my Dad and sister. I even went so far as to call my Dad to thank him but he didn't answer and did not return my call after I left a voicemail. At least I did the right thing. I also did something I hadn't done in months: I sent up a prayer of thanks.
I have had a spiritual battle raging, as most know or may have guessed or didn't know altogether and I assumed too much. To pray, to not pray, to burn voodoo dolls, to find eyes of newts and legs of frog and fry them in a skillet? I knew not what to do. I grew up praying, believing in the Christian God, and worshiping in my own way aside from going to church. Well, once this happened I figured I would give the Big Guy in the Sky another turn, hoping that a renewed faith would help restore my confidence, spirit, wash my soul anew, and make me a happier person altogether. So far, it seems to be helping. The power of prayer, so far, has been working for me at least. I just have to remind myself that if things fail to work out then it happened for a reason.
Things really started looking up when I met a lady named Janie. She lived in Metairie with her two sons and was divorced for a year and a half. We talked one night and hit it off. We conversed on the phone for hours on end the first night and continued those talks about nothing yet something at the same time for a week before our first date. When we met sparks flew, at least for me. For the next three weeks we continued to date and I thought I had met my future wife. I was so happy with her. Not the "oh, I'm happy" type but the type of happy Brad Garrett got when he drank 7-UP. I mean, I walked around doing my best Cheshire cat impression. If my teeth were whiter I could have been in a toothpaste commercial. That's the type of happy I am talking about. This girl was just... perfect. Alas, as with Roman candles, this relationship was one sided. Without warning she broke things off stating that she was not in a position to be in a relationship. It crushed me to my core as I realized I had fallen for her without actually being cognizant of it. I still think about her, given it has only been a few days since the breakup, but she is still in my thoughts and prayers. I wish her well and hope that one day, maybe, there could be a future there.
Although the side of me that tries to emulate Don Juan was struck a mighty blow, it has pushed me to redouble my efforts in steadying myself financially with a career. I applied with Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office Monday and with N.O.P.D. today. I will continue to apply at local law enforcement agencies with B.R.P.D., Livingston Parish Sheriff's Office, city of Kenner and a few others lined up. My first exam is with N.O.P.D. and will be on August 28 for the first of a seven step process. My close to three month diet and exercise regime seems to be paying off as I have lost 21 pounds and can almost run a mile (.9 of a mile). I plan on keeping it up since last night I just noticed results as I was standing naked looking at my reflection in the mirror. It feels good getting into the humid, warm night air and being alone with your thoughts as small, salty droplets of sweat arise on your forehead and increasingly fall down your face like a faucet slowly increasing in water pressure.
There has been a change inside that has taken place as well. I am on a self-imposed drinking ban until I reach a certain weight. I'll know what weight that is when I get there but I have really enjoyed sobriety. There are some people that I no longer talk to, which is fine, since as you grow older friends drift apart but the ones that you were closest to remain that way. I am ready to settle down in more ways than one. I want the career and family. The one thing I took from dating Janie was that I enjoy being around children and would like some of my own one day. I was told by Amanda that my happiness might not come until I am settled in a career and I somewhat agree with her. I know what I want out of a lady and will know when I find her. I just know that while I may not be ready financially for that next, I am ready emotionally.
Finally, I am concentrating on applying in the New Orleans. I told my Mom years ago that if I were to stay in this state then I will live in New Orleans or one of the surrounding cities. I need out of Baton Rouge and for the most part have had nothing but a good string of bad luck since moving here from Hammond. I look forward to what a future could hold in the Crescent City. Whatever it does, it is better than this overgrown truck stop of a college town called Baton Rouge.
"Wizard of tickets is always glad to charge a pilgrim's fare.
Jubilee's generally early. Let's take the country air.
Mistreating granite, limestone, and clay. It's a shameful soil.
But all grows well on the floodplain tract if you can afford the toil."
- Clutch/White's Ferry
Current Music: Burst - City Cloaked