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Kuzbu
09 March 2012 @ 07:05 am
I have been meaning to write an update in here but usually when I come home from work I'm just too mentally exhaust to want to do anything other than drink a beer and watch mindless television - The relaxation of the government drone.

With today being Friday and all, I will have the time to write once I get home. I need this catharsis.
 
 
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Neurosis - Through Silver In Blood
 
 
Kuzbu
16 March 2011 @ 02:38 am
"My creation
My imagination
I've become different now
My speech and thoughts are out"
- Thomas Giles/Sleep Shake

I have been wanting to update the ol' livejournal for quite some time now but there just isn't much to be said that hasn't been said repeatedly. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my life. On most days I feel that the Army is an unreachable goal. I'm constantly grossed out by the way I look when looking at my topless reflection. Even though I've lost 65lbs I'm still quite fat. I have even considered purchasing some steroids from a guy at work just because they'll make me lose weight like a mofo.

It doesn't look like I'll be getting a job as a cop in Baton Rouge and now my only hope is NOPD or the slim chance that JPSO begins hiring. I am deeply considering going back to school to pursue a master's even though that will plunge me further into debt. Truly, truly I'm beginning to think that the key to my future financial success lies out of Louisiana. It's just that I don't have the capital to up and move.

I can't help but feel that I royally screwed the pooch when I burned out of the master's program and a GA position at SLU.

In relationship news I am slowly, very slowly, coming to the realization that maybe I am just not meant to find someone. I have been dating and searching for a special lady for quite some time now and have have only been met with rejection in one form or another. Maybe I'm too picky? Maybe I refuse to settle? Or maybe this is reality telling me I'm a schmuck?

There are so many things that I want to do and most hinge on my writing skills yet I constantly doubt my abilities as a dynamic, enthralling, witty composer of words. Ah, self-confidence, you prick.
 
 
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Mark Has Been Made
 
 
Kuzbu
21 December 2010 @ 11:17 pm
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Worked with my hands as a plumber's assistant

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, I did not but yes, I will make one for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My best friend's wife.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Job security.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Super Bowl Sunday, watching my beloved Saints win the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history and seeing the city explode in celebratory adoration.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I began a sports blog and rediscovered writing.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not joining the military like I had planned.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? In January I came down with a horrible case of the flu.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 42" flat screen tv with external hard drive and media player.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Dad sacked up and finally talked to me again after keeping his distance for over a year and a half over something petty.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My sister is just as Jekyll and Hyde as before and the Hyde side comes out more often than not.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The Saints in the Super Bowl and finally being able to work consistently back in August.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? City Cloaked by Burst.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? slowly becoming thinner

iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercised more consistently.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Drinking and hanging out.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? With my mom and her family more than likely.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Justified, Sons of Anarchy, Friday Night Lights

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No.

26. What was the best books you read? I really didn't read much this year which is regrettable.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Constants, Neaera, Periphery

30. What were your favorite films of this year? The Town is the one that stood out the most

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? My birthday is in a couple of days and I will do nothing which does not bother me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? This year was as bland as the year before.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? t-shirt and jeans

34. What kept you sane? Music.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? There is not one political issue that I paid attention to this year.

37. Who did you miss? My friends from college.

38. Who were the best new persons you met? Dennis is one of the few new people I met and the only one that made an impression.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Saving money is a good thing when you have it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
The will to power
Ascension manifest
That which is above
Is as that which is below
Thy will be done
Thy kingdom come
On earth as it is in heaven
So mote it be
 
 
Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: Metallica - Fade To Black
 
 
Kuzbu
11 June 2010 @ 09:13 pm
"Time will see us realign
Diamonds rain across the sky
Shower me into the same
Realm"
- Deftones/Diamond Eyes

It has been too long since putting my thoughts out into the open and updating everyone on my whereabouts and happenings. I should consult this open journal more often. Not much noteworthy material happened for almost a year. For several months I was severely depressed with nothing going my way, the breaks occurring only to break my spirit, and the weight of responsibility pushing me down. I didn't much feel like talking to many people, online or in person, nor hanging with anyone much less updating a dying journal community with depressing entries whose only purpose would serve to elicit pity and compassion.

Finally, a silver lining emerged just a few weeks ago. Two months ago my sister approached me with the idea of buying her car from her. At the time I had little money and my job as a substitute teacher was about to end due to the end of the semester approaching so I declined. My Dad, the one who refuses to talk to me, came to the rescue telling my sister that if she gave me her car he would knock $700 off the price of the car she would be buying from him. So, in a stroke of good luck, I received a 1997 Toyota Corolla for free that smelled like a month old, overflowing ashtray. Nevertheless, it is a car, one that is reliable and gets pretty good gas mileage. Needless to say I was extremely thankful to my Dad and sister. I even went so far as to call my Dad to thank him but he didn't answer and did not return my call after I left a voicemail. At least I did the right thing. I also did something I hadn't done in months: I sent up a prayer of thanks.

I have had a spiritual battle raging, as most know or may have guessed or didn't know altogether and I assumed too much. To pray, to not pray, to burn voodoo dolls, to find eyes of newts and legs of frog and fry them in a skillet? I knew not what to do. I grew up praying, believing in the Christian God, and worshiping in my own way aside from going to church. Well, once this happened I figured I would give the Big Guy in the Sky another turn, hoping that a renewed faith would help restore my confidence, spirit, wash my soul anew, and make me a happier person altogether. So far, it seems to be helping. The power of prayer, so far, has been working for me at least. I just have to remind myself that if things fail to work out then it happened for a reason.

Things really started looking up when I met a lady named Janie. She lived in Metairie with her two sons and was divorced for a year and a half. We talked one night and hit it off. We conversed on the phone for hours on end the first night and continued those talks about nothing yet something at the same time for a week before our first date. When we met sparks flew, at least for me. For the next three weeks we continued to date and I thought I had met my future wife. I was so happy with her. Not the "oh, I'm happy" type but the type of happy Brad Garrett got when he drank 7-UP. I mean, I walked around doing my best Cheshire cat impression. If my teeth were whiter I could have been in a toothpaste commercial. That's the type of happy I am talking about. This girl was just... perfect. Alas, as with Roman candles, this relationship was one sided. Without warning she broke things off stating that she was not in a position to be in a relationship. It crushed me to my core as I realized I had fallen for her without actually being cognizant of it. I still think about her, given it has only been a few days since the breakup, but she is still in my thoughts and prayers. I wish her well and hope that one day, maybe, there could be a future there.

Although the side of me that tries to emulate Don Juan was struck a mighty blow, it has pushed me to redouble my efforts in steadying myself financially with a career. I applied with Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office Monday and with N.O.P.D. today. I will continue to apply at local law enforcement agencies with B.R.P.D., Livingston Parish Sheriff's Office, city of Kenner and a few others lined up. My first exam is with N.O.P.D. and will be on August 28 for the first of a seven step process. My close to three month diet and exercise regime seems to be paying off as I have lost 21 pounds and can almost run a mile (.9 of a mile). I plan on keeping it up since last night I just noticed results as I was standing naked looking at my reflection in the mirror. It feels good getting into the humid, warm night air and being alone with your thoughts as small, salty droplets of sweat arise on your forehead and increasingly fall down your face like a faucet slowly increasing in water pressure.

There has been a change inside that has taken place as well. I am on a self-imposed drinking ban until I reach a certain weight. I'll know what weight that is when I get there but I have really enjoyed sobriety. There are some people that I no longer talk to, which is fine, since as you grow older friends drift apart but the ones that you were closest to remain that way. I am ready to settle down in more ways than one. I want the career and family. The one thing I took from dating Janie was that I enjoy being around children and would like some of my own one day. I was told by Amanda that my happiness might not come until I am settled in a career and I somewhat agree with her. I know what I want out of a lady and will know when I find her. I just know that while I may not be ready financially for that next, I am ready emotionally.

Finally, I am concentrating on applying in the New Orleans. I told my Mom years ago that if I were to stay in this state then I will live in New Orleans or one of the surrounding cities. I need out of Baton Rouge and for the most part have had nothing but a good string of bad luck since moving here from Hammond. I look forward to what a future could hold in the Crescent City. Whatever it does, it is better than this overgrown truck stop of a college town called Baton Rouge.

"Wizard of tickets is always glad to charge a pilgrim's fare.
Jubilee's generally early. Let's take the country air.
Mistreating granite, limestone, and clay. It's a shameful soil.
But all grows well on the floodplain tract if you can afford the toil."
- Clutch/White's Ferry
 
 
Current Mood: fullfull
Current Music: Burst - City Cloaked
 
 
Kuzbu
11 June 2010 @ 08:01 pm
  • 14:16 ESPN News - Nebraska plans to leave Big 12 Conference and apply for membership to Big Ten Conference #
  • 17:03 ESPN News - Big Ten Conference approved Nebraska's application to join the league, effective July 2011 #
 
 
 
Kuzbu
10 June 2010 @ 08:01 pm
  • 22:07 Congrats Chicago on winning The Stanley Cup #
  • 13:42 I just feel like my heart just fell out of my ass knowing definitely that Janie and I are no more. Haven't felt this in a very long time. #
  • 18:54 Needs to enroll in a male finishing school. First class? How to be an asshole and win over females. #
 
 
Kuzbu
09 June 2010 @ 08:02 pm

  • 13:51 And its offical. I have been dumped... Again. #

 
 
Kuzbu
08 June 2010 @ 08:01 pm

  • 09:48 is worried. #

 
 
Kuzbu
07 June 2010 @ 08:01 pm

  • 16:36 Tragedy has struck. Rally's is out of my deep sea double. Today is a sad day #

 
 
Kuzbu
04 June 2010 @ 08:00 pm